We came home from my in-laws house last night, with our usual bags of supplies from my wonderful mother in law.  We put the kids to bed and then hubby went to the gym, leaving me curled up on the couch for the only show that I watch on tv-The Bachelor.

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About a half hour later, I convinced myself that I should get up and put away the bags in the hall…What I did was pick them up and find the bag that held the two bags of candy.  They were both open, so I picked out a couple, and then a couple more.  Before I knew it, I was sitting on the couch with a pile of wrappers on my lap, hating myself.  I got up and stashed the evidence in the garbage before my hubby came home and caught me.

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I am disgusted with myself. I ate them all.  I ate all of my kids candy.  I am weak.  There is not one candy left in those bags.  Candy that was not meant for me.  Candy that I should not have eaten.  To be honest, they weren’t even very good, but I am definitely an all or nothing kind of girl.

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I am in big trouble when the kids ask for that candy….  BIG.

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It’s all my damn,  do gooder, mother-in-law’s fault.

With the school year coming to an end, I admit I am getting really lazy with the kids lunches.  I start off the year by buying everyone new lunch bags, hand sanitizer, and stainless steel water bottles, and containerize everything from carrots and red peppers, to turkey and lettuce wraps and vegetarian burritos.

Now its June, and  I’m bored of lunches, hate the grubby looking lunch bags and seem to be missing half the containers I bought in September.  The hand sanitizer is long gone and so is my creativity.  Cheese slices with mayo on whole wheat is my specialty now, and today, after a late night on the soccer field, I sent the kids to school with one morning snack and a promise to drop off lunch at 11 when I pick up the littles ones from jk.  At 10:45 I remembered that I needed to make them lunch and opened the fridge to find little inspiration.  I then drove like a bat out of hell to the nearest take out, ordered 5 kids meals and made it back to school in time, but late for JK pick up.

But at least I remembered this time.  I have planned this before but remembered that I was supposed to drop off their lunches at 11am while on the cardio machine at the gym at about, oh, 1:30. Yikes-never done that before you say? Let me tell you, NOT a good feeling.  I’ve done that twice this year, and luckily the teachers are awesome and usually pool together some non-perishable snacks to adequately fill up the kids rumbly tummies, but how embarrassing!! And man, are my kids sensitive to being forgotten, they get MAD!

Then I get mad because they get mad, because, have I ever said I was perfect?  Have I ever said that each pregnancy made me smarter and less forgetful?  No, I don’t think so.  I am who I am, I have lots to do in a day and if I promise to make a good lunch and forget to bring it, well sooooorrrrrrry, I didn’t do it on purpose just to be mean.  I just forgot.  I still love you and if you are lucky, tomorrow I might make you my specialty, cheese slices on whole wheat, with a dash of mayo.

I have something to confess. I did a bad thing.  I hid in the laundry room and scarfed my kids Smarties.  No one saw me or heard me.  I disposed of the evidence outside in the recycle bin.  And yet now I feel it.  Guilt.

How could I tell my children with a straight face that they could only have 10 Smarties each because candy isn’t good for them, and then, at the first opportunity, hide from them and eat all of their candy?  Sacred candy from Nonna no less?  What is wrong with me?

Afterward, I was too full to eat lunch with the kids, so we headed outside to go for a bike ride.

When I heard my daughters’ accusatory voice screech my name I didn’t have to turn around to know she had seen the Smarties boxes in the blue bin.  I contemplated denial, or blaming her father, but I do that too often and she sees through me now.

I had no excuse.  I apologized and told her I really wouldn’t do it again, wiped crying eyes and got ready to ride to the corner store to make up for my appalling lack of willpower.

I am an environmentalist, but next time I’m weak, recycling be damned, I’m using the garbage can!  And then I’ll feel guilty about that too.